Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Randomize
