My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
