Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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