I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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