apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
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