Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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