I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
