Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize