I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize