I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
