Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
