exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
