1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
