you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Randomize
