Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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