Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
