I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
We just shotgunned beers for America
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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