so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
The Olympian is in my bed
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize