That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize