the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Randomize
