i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
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