Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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