i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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