If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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