She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
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