Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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