Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
