bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
