I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
