I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
