I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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