I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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