So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Randomize
