I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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