Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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