When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Randomize
