Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I stole a fireplace last night.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
