even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
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