My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
