Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
Don't make out with my wife yet
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
