I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
