Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
