Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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