Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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