but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
