There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
