I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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