Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
