Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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