I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
