Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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