He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
