The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
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