Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
