He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
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