Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Randomize
