The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
