I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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