i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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