On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
