Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize