god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
