need another drink. this is the easiest way
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
