i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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