had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize
