I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
